2004-05-13 - 1:36 p.m.

A heartwrenching question from over the rainbow.

A Miss Dorothy writes

"Why do men cheat?"

To this I must answer: For so many reasons!!

Many men have a misguided sense of their own importance. Perhaps they were overindulged as children and they feel as adults that they are entitled to have whatever they wish and do whatever they like.

I call this type of cheater a princling. His cheating can be combated by reminding him that his true place in the world is cooking your breakfast and changing your bed linens. Do not let his tantrums discourage you, the more he cries at the lash the more it is building his character.

If he cannot be corrected, remember that it was his poor upbringing that turned him into a self-indulgent turd and it is not your fault.

Another common type of cheater is the closet masochist. This guy just really really wants to get into trouble. If it seems as though your man-friend tries VERY HARD to get caught cheating and you are the type of girl who lavishes verbal and physical abuse on said cheater, then your cure is simple.

In order to keep yourself STD free, COMPLETELY ignore any more cheating (no attention, no incentive). Instead, barrage the lackwit for overcooking your eggs, overwatering your plants, or purchacing the wrong cut of diamond. You may occasionally have burnt toast for breakfast when he needs to get screamed at, but that is nicer than having bugs live on your crotch. Finally there is the "Oops" cheater. You know this one, he behaves as though his penis were a dangling sleeve that keeps hanging into the gravy boat. This type is usually attractive to women for one of the usual reasons and simply lacks any self control at all. Keep him in a gimp cage, he'll lack the willpower to get out. Good luck dear, Miss Lily

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